Tonight I am struggling with a case of insomnia. I keep having these weird stories made up in my mind when I try to sleep. For a little peace, I decided to write one of them down. Then I decided to share it. It’s horrible and makes little sense, but here is the raw, unedited, insomnia induced retelling of Little Red Riding Hood.

Little Red Riding Hood

One day miss Mary Sue Elizabeth Johannsen was sick, and had to stay home from school. She was excited because that meant her grandmother would come over and read her stories.

“Mary Sue Elizabeth, Today we are reading Little Red Riding Hood,” grandmother said.

“Oh good, but why did they call her Red Riding Hood?” Mary Sue asked.

“She looked horrible in blue,” grandmother said. “Let’s begin.”

***

One day grandma was sick and needed soup. So Red Riding Hood was going to go through the woods to take her some.

***

“Why did grandma need soup?” asked Mary Sue.

“It has magical healing powers.” grandmother replied.

***

“Don’t talk to strangers Little Red,” said her mother.

Little Red skipped merrily through the woods and came across a wolf. “Hey there, Little Red,” he said. “Are you off to your grandma’s house to take her some soup?”

“Golly, Mr. Wolf, I sure am,” she answered happily. Then continued on her way.

“I wish I had soup,” the wolf moaned to himself. “Let’s go take grandma’s.”

Now, since wolves are very fast and Little Red wasn’t, a short distance up the path the two met again.

“I want soup.” the wolf demanded.

“Nope,” said Little Red, the continued on.

“Rude.” the wolf whispered.

Little Red came to a fork in the road, “I should pick that up,” she said, and placed it in her basket.

***

“That’s not what a fork in the road means, grandmother,” Mary Sue said.

“It’s my story,” grandma quipped. “Shall we continue?”

“Sure, But, I don’t think this is the real story.” Mary Sue said, confused.

***

The wolf tried again to get the soup. He ran as fast as he could to catch up to Little Red.

“I want soup,” he growled.

‘No, Mr. Wolf, this is for grandma.” Little Red said.

“But, I’m hungry.” the wolf begged with a long whine.

“Wolves don’t get soup.” Little Red answered. “And don’t whine. It’s not a good way to get what you want.”

Little Red continued up the road and finally came to grandma’s house. She didn’t see the wolf sneak in through the back door.

She opened the door and walked inside. She found grandma standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes.

“Grandma, why are you up? You should be resting in bed.” she said, concerned for her grandma.

“There is a wolf in my bed.” grandma replied. “He said he wants soup.”

Just then the wolf jumped out of bed and cornered the two in the kitchen. They let out a scream.

As he passed by a kind woodsman heard the scream and pulled his truck over and ran to help. He looked through the window and saw the wolf. Running back to his truck he grabbed his chainsaw and the steak he had brought for lunch. “Perfect bait,” he said.

***

“Grandmother, this story doesn’t really make sense.” Mary Sue said.

“Just listen, it’s about over.” Grandmother said calmly.

***

The woodsman fired up his chainsaw and quickly cut down trees. Then he stacked them into a makeshift jail cell and waved the steak in the air.

“Hey, wolf,” he hollared, “Come eat this steak, not those kind ladies”

The wolf excitedly ran outside and ran for the steak. The woodsman threw the steak in the cell and slammed the door. “Have a good day ladies,” he yelled as he got in his truck and drove away.

Little Red and Grandma stared at each other in shock. “Well, this has been quite the day,” Grandma said. “Now how about some of that soup.”

The end.

***

Mary Sue stared at her grandmother. Her big brown eyes gave away the confusion as she tried to make sense of the story. “Where did the woodsman get the door from?” she finally asked.

“It was in his truck. At least that’s what he told the judge.” Grandmother said.

“Judge? What judge.” Mary Sue asked.

“The one at his trial.” Grandmother answered. “Before he was sent back to jail.”

“Was this a real story?” Mary Sue asked.

“Yes, and you grandfather gets out tomorrow.” Grandmother said. “Now get some rest. Tomorrow is a big day.”

As I said, this makes very little sense. I dont know it is the result of my thoughts about making bedtime story videos, or stress from other situations, but it is certainly odd. Hopefully at least gave you a laugh here or there.

Have a great day.

Dan

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